Those of you who follow my blog and regularly read my posts, may have wondered if my laptop has blown up or if I have broken all of my fingers and lost the ability to type. Rest assured; its neither.
Some may say I have been ‘a bit low’ lately. Others may label it as ‘depressed’. A few might just say ‘she’s been a right miserable cow and gotton really fat and lazy’. I would probably go with the latter.
Who ever really knows the reason for their darker days? But I have an idea that its probably due to my son’s latest heart appointment next week. And the fact that both my kids were ill at the same time recently, with hubbie away a lot a week or so ago, I was left holding the fort.
With both the 5 month and 2 year olds crying continuously for a few days, snot bubbling out of their noses and faces reaching volcanic temperatures, its no wonder that I was the one who erupted.
That was the start of things. Then we received a letter informing us that our son has his next heart check up. I knew it was due but it crept up a lot quicker than I predicted and I felt caught off guard.
I realise it is only a check up and it will shed more light on his crucial open heart surgery in a few years, but it is a reminder that it will be happening and until now we have been coasting along in blissful ignorance.
This slap round the chops of a wake up call that I get every few months, has now started a pattern in my emotions and behaviour (in no particular order);
1. Obsessively cleaning everything.
2. Cry. A lot.
3. Become a hermit.
4. Eat everything I shouldn’t and then moan about it.
5. Become (more of) a naggy bitch to both my husband and the kids
6. Blame myself
It always makes me question how he inherited his condition in the first place; is it hereditary? Something I did wrong when I was pregnant? No one knows and no one will ever know. I now just have to accept this fact, which is far easier in theory than it is in practise.
As a parent, however much I would choose to lay in bed all day wallowing in self pity, I can’t.
I can, although, ditch the diet, swerve the gym, stop writing and avoid all playdates. I did all of the above and it made me feel even worse.
Since then, I had a number of people say how they really enjoy my blog and ask why I haven’t posted recently. They suggested I just write for fun or to get things of my chest. So that’s exactly what I’m going to do.