To my little darlings,
Until you become parents yourselves, you will never realise how much I love the pair of you, or how much you can make me cry. I felt like the luckiest woman alive when I fell pregnant with each of you and I couldn’t wait to become a mother. But I wan’t prepared for the worry that came with parenting. I had never understood the phrase ‘worried sick’ until I had you.
It started when you were just 8 weeks old Lil man. I thought that the projectile vomit and endless filling of nappies was just what babies did, until I got you weighed. You had lost so much weight and your skin was covered in eczema, that the Health Visitor instantly knew it was a milk allergy and you put on prescription milk. Your weight picked up and so did you, but before that you looked so gaunt and frail I was losing sleep because I didn’t know what to do.
Then at 9 months, you went into hospital with pneumonia and this was when we had found out about your little ticker being not quite right. We had to drag you to and from so many different hospitals for dietician, paediatrician and cardiologist appointments and simply hold your hand as you were prodded and poked. You looked to me for comfort but were too young for me to explain anything; it really broke my heart. But without these people that seemed so cruel for taking blood, sedating you and hooking you up to various machines, we would never have discovered your condition.
Baby princess, you were no easier! Fortunately, we discovered your condition before you were even born so we could prepare ourselves mentally. This took me some time though and I turned to counselling for help. So before you were even born you were driving me mad 😉
After a long wait to have you by caesarean and a long stay in hospital for more tests in the NICU we could go home but only to return again for an operation on your tongue.
These are the major things that worried me, but then there are the silly everyday things that I can’t help get neurotic about; what’s this rash, why is his poo so runny, does she have a fever!
Lil man, its when I look at your beautiful icy blue eyes and perfect little nose and mouth that makes it all disappear. And its when you say the loveliest things like ‘you’re beautiful Mummy’ and ‘I love you lots’ that my heart melts.
Baby Princess, when you smile as soon as you wake up, I am so content. Watching you look up to your big brother and coo while he strokes your hair is the best feeling in the world.
I hope that your remain close and loving to each other as you get older.
I love you both, always.